mattress up-cycle.

i was just stung by a wasp about an hour ago. anaphylaxis has yet to set in and i've plied myself with some caffeine (the poor man's epinephrine, right?) so i figured now would be a really great time to get out in some 96 degree full sun humidity and play with a box cutter. you see, i'm cleaning out my werkshop and i discovered a bed that had been forgotten about 3 years ago. it was covered in fabric and various textiles of questionable origins that i have now been in the process of sorting, washing, and folding for the last two days. anyway, the mattress needed to go. and so after some thought i decided i should rip it apart and use the guts as a trellis of sorts:

this is the kind of thing that has two schools of opinions. there are those that live south of the river; to us this is considered yard art...a functional piece of refuse to be admired and utilized no matter how rusty or tetanus-laden it may become over time. then there's the folks that live north of the river. they see this as trash. blight. something to call the neighborhood association about. we don't take kindly to that school of thought 'round these parts.

anyway, you'll need two things for this project.

an old shitty mattress:

mine came from a hole-in-the-wall mattress store in savannah, georgia. i paid $25 for it 8 years ago. it has seen the best of times. it has seen the blurst of times. and some pretty wicked hangovers, as well.

next, you'll need a box cutter. preferably rusted just enough that you can't control the length of the blade. perhaps a screw is a little loose and the blade is just unpredictable enough that it may or may not slip whilst cutting, possibly slicing the shit out of your finger(s). you can usually locate this instrument in the back of a junk drawer...where you won't be able to see it until it has already sliced the shit out of your finger(s) for the first time.

next, you'll want to insert your unpredictable box cutter into the mattress and attempt to cut through the cover, inner layer, and foam all at once. no need to be careful and take your time here, we're all about efficiency. remember always cut TOWARDS yourself. safety third!

make sure while you're hacking a mattress to pieces (as if you're trying to destroy some less than respectable evidence) that you stand within full view of the street so that all your neighbors and passing cars can stare on in concerned wonderment.

another thing that really adds to the je ne sais quoi of the process is to set your camera on top of a garbage can and photograph yourself with the timer set to every 10 seconds. really, the neighbors won't find you any weirder for doing so.

once you've successfully hacked and ripped, tear the cover and foam lining away from the inner coils. it's good to grunt a little and make a lot of frantic, straining motions with your arms while completing this task.

finally, set your mattress coil trellis upright somewhere where you and your neighbors can really admire it. i suggest perhaps the portion of your fence that faces the street. this way, everyone can really gain a sense of your know-how and thriftiness.

et voila!